ARTICLES

On October 7, 2022, I attended the world-famous New York Comic Convention (NYCC/ComicCon) in my old hometown. I not only bought $300 worth of merchandise, but I cosplayed Kuki Shinobu, a character from my favorite video game, Genshin Impact, and met a myriad of fascinating people expressing their passions through cosplay. NYCC represented a significant highlight on my journey of self-discovery and self-confidence.
I have always struggled with my identity and sense of self, especially during adolescence. However, I have made significant progress in accepting all of myself. One aspect of my identity I struggle with is my racial identity. I am both Chinese and American, and yet I am neither. My face feels unbalanced with both Asian and Caucasian features.
I have been exposed to both Western and Eastern beauty standards (I lived and attended school overseas in Indonesia and Zambia) and yearned to fulfill both. My big, full lips are desired in Western beauty; however, they seem out of place against my monolid dark brown eyes, and social media only amplified these insecurities. Social media exacerbated my negative self-image: I consumed content that illustrated what was physically and socially awkward about me at an accelerated pace. When big pouty lips were trending, I accentuated mine, making them appear bigger with lip liner; when fox eye eyeliner was trending, I extended my eyes with eyeliner making them slimmer and more mysterious. Despite my insecurities, I found an outlet for artistic self-expression through makeup. As an artist, I love to use my appearance to make a statement.
Along with my physical self-doubts and insecurities, I sought to be the "cool girl." I deeply wanted people to like me and see me as desirable. I started playing video games to distinguish myself from other girls. Initially, I wasn't the video game type and preferred doing my makeup and being fashionable. However, social media again taught me those hobbies were girly and did not constitute cool.
During the pandemic, I rediscovered my love for The Sims 4, a game I had previously rejected for being too girly. Through The Sims, I found a passion for video games, and I refuse to let others' perceptions of me take away that satisfaction and excitement. This realization started me on my journey of self-discovery and enjoyment of video games in general for me, a passion I hope to share with others by designing and creating video games for a living.
Over the past few years, I experienced immense growth and enlightenment about myself. I left behind my self-doubt and channeled all that energy into my passions. I experimented more with makeup and fashion, improving my skills and style to an exceptionally proud level. I took up drawing, painting, nail art, photography, and my new favorite video game, Genshin Impact. I have immense creative energy that requires a variety of outlets to express myself. I manage time between working, studying, and doing household chores, to nourish my artistic soul. Every inch of my bedroom walls is covered in the art I've created since the pandemic started. My life and progress are documented on my walls; they remind me of my creativity and development as an artist. The art I create fulfills me in a way that no external validation could.
Before ComicCon, I would never tell anyone I played Genshin Impact. Yet, being in an energized environment filled with people just as passionate about their interests as I was made me feel something I hadn't before: a sense of belonging. I connected with the other cosplayers at the convention through our creative cosplay; we weren't wearing a costume to hide who we were but to be vulnerable and show our passions to the world. I'm no longer afraid to express myself as one hundred percent me, inside and out, through my makeup, outfits, and my passion for video games.